The Ebony Elixer of Life
	Have you had too much coffee?
	You answer the door before people knock. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You can start a fire by friction in 13 seconds. You ski uphill. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You lick your camp coffeepot clean. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. Re-cyclers bid on your empty coffee cans eack week. You can split firewood with a pocket knife. You chew on other people's fingernails. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. All your kids are named "Joe". You don't need a hammer to pound nails. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." You don't sweat, you percolate. You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stir sticks. People get dizzy just watching you. You've worn the finish off of a 3" round area of your coffee table. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. Instant coffee takes too long. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. You don't tan, you roast. You can't even remember your second cup. You help your dog chase its tail.